槽边往事

网友Myang留言说：

@hecaitou: Should there be any chance that these murmurs are included into "树洞", can you do me a favor and shut down comments? I'm not looking for suggestions, which are very unlikely to help. And I'm pretty sure few people here would understand why I should ever have any dissatisfaction.

Ever since my childhood, I've always been younger than most of my classmates, then my colleagues. I graduated from college 4 years ago and have just walked through my 本命年. S said we're in an age when "肌肤娇嫩,体香袭人," except for I'm a boy. But what the fucking should I have gone to school earlier than others?

I have got my yearly salary increased to 110k despite the financial downturn and very likely there would be another 30-50% increase next year. But why I keep on feeling myself having nothing and doing nothing?

I never work OT --- maybe I should say that's not "permitted" cause' the management does not expect any extra fee to occur --- while my roommate is tired flying around every month. But why I hate holiday so much and every day the only thing exiting is to work?

Well, maybe plus a hot water bath. I take bath everyday, including cold dry December days; always hot water, even in Mid-June. I enjoy it so much sometimes it seems to be the only moment when I feel myself living and alive, not working, not lost.

I said "nice and sweet" when granted an extra day off-work in New Year Eve, which was the response supposed --- but not what I was thinking. I spent the whole afternoon of 01/01 in SOHO starbucks coz' I really could not stay home, and there was no other place to go. I struggled for more than an hour before I walked to a girl sitting alone and asked if I can stay with her.

Recently I started to think V was right when she said I was 工作狂 a long time ago though I was very surprised and denied it strongly at that time. Life is what MYang fails to understand, his work never.

"What if I didn't come to see you this time?" G asked me when she was back from U.S. for vacation. We didn't meet each other for some reason the last time she'd been in Beijing. "I will not contact you again." I said. Silence. G didn't encourage me again as what I did 2 years ago when she felt in love with a white guy at first sight. "You are brave enough," she said, referring to my problems with girls (and life itself), "but you are too sensitive."

I'm not sensitive. I'm more than sensitive. That's why I do my job better than others.

For a whole year, I had an intimate embrace with V every time before good-bye. One day, she gave me a normal one. We never saw each other again. Only after that did I start to realize Beijing is a giant city where we are inevitably losing each other unless we make efforts to be together.

G has decided to come back to China next year, might stay in Beijing. Can you please not laugh at me if I say I've been more than expecting for that?

I don't laugh at people because for my whole life I've always been so scared of being laughed at. I felt so happy and warm when V finally dared to buy a ticket for the horse carousel where only kids were playing after I gave her many "yes." This is the first half of the story. Every time I walked by Jianwai SOHO I could not pretend not seeing the carousel, nor could I pretend I was okay. This is the second half.

I've been pretending to be reasonable and smart for my whole life, which seems naturally born. "Nothing should ever be disturbing you," as M judged in college, when only god knew endless masturbation exhausted me at night before I could finally fall asleep at 3 am. And why I cannot tolerate the intimacy with which I can tell you my nameless fear?

You clever, why should they spend 3 years teaching me to 解三元二次方程, but totally no time on how to make myself happy? And how to make others happy? How am I supposed to flirt with the girl I like? Are those stupid formulas more important than happiness? I kept doing myself when J moved from another city to be with me, dreaming a sweet eternity which ended up a heart-break farewell. I was so stupid to ask "how?" when a girl lay naked by my side and asked my to seduce her so she would want it more.

Why can't I sing 菊花台, 北京一夜, 东风破, being genuine post-80s? Why don't I know if the English name of 周杰伦is Jacky, or Jack, or fucking Jay??? Why I cannot even pretend to be caring when they are offending or defending 80后???

We are not supposed to be "偏执", E said. Because A. Because B. Because C. But you know what, I have clear understanding of A, B, C, maybe even plus D. I still did it, though. That's why we call it "偏执", right? I was like a child by the sea crying and crying and building a sand castle which collapsed again and again before it ever existed, just like happiness for me.

Shall I see myself by the sea this weekend? For the night just passed I've been thinking, thinking, and thinking. And I told myself "everything is going to be okay" when I saw the dawn.

Nothing would exist in the end; time will get rid of our pain, our glory, and us ourselves. I also told myself.